I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to get this last post out. I needed to make sure that my schoolwork and stuff was under control. Now that I've finished with that, I finally have time to sit down and finish up my thoughts on desire. This is part 3 of my mini-series on desire. In part 1, we established that desire is at the root of various habits and problems in our lives, and that killing those unwanted desires isn't enough to help us to overcome those habits and problems. In part 2 we further clarified why attempting to kill desire isn't enough with the examples of overeating and pornography. Now we're going to dive into what to do about it.
One last caveat before we jump in: Attempting to kill negative (or unwanted) desires completely is nearly impossible by itself, or so I've found. Willpower isn't constant, and when it wanes, I have found that negative desires spring up.
So you may be thinking, "If willpower isn't enough to overcome negative desires, what can I possibly do to overcome these desires? I mean, all I can do is try my hardest, right?" Well, yes and no. I've already pointed out that willpower isn't constant. If you think of overcoming negative desires like running a marathon, you'll recognize that willpower can only get you so far. If you decide that you want to run a marathon, so you put on your gym clothes and tie your running shoes and start running, the odds are that you won't reach 10 miles, much less the full 26.2. Instead, you'll start small, maybe running one or two miles, then work your way up over several months.
“We need to fuel a positive desire to overcome a negative one.”
So what do we do if willpower alone isn't enough? I believe that in order to combat a negative desire, we need to fuel a positive desire. (I'm pretty excited at this point, because this was the thought that sparked this entire mini-series! hahaha) Allow me to repeat myself. We need to fuel a positive desire to overcome a negative one.
Returning to my hypothetical overeating problem from the part 2, simply eating less wasn't going to solve my problem. That's because, even though I was eating less, I wasn't satisfying my hunger completely, and I had to sit there and use pure willpower to overcome the desire to keep eating. But what if I took that hunger and I refocused it? What if, instead of just eating less, I chose to eat more healthily instead? I propose that by cutting out fast food from my diet and instead eating more fruits, vegetables, and home-cooked meals (not pre-packaged, processed foods, but legitimately prepared meals) I would start losing weight. Although I might not want to eat those fruits and vegetables or spend the time to prepare a home-cooked meal initially, choosing to eat those things fuels desire for them.
Wait. Did I just say that I wouldn't desire eating healthily at first? How can you fuel a desire that you don't have? Many of the people that I have talked to have said that they hated their first beer. The same goes for people who started smoking. It wasn't a pleasant experience for them. But as they returned to it time and time again, their desire for beer or cigarettes grew. In the same way, through repeatedly eating healthy foods, I will grow to like healthy foods.
Well, this is all and good for things that have obvious opposites. But what about combating negative desires that don't seem to have an opposite? Since I mentioned pornography in my last post, I'll take that as an example. Viewing pornography has a powerful effect on the viewer, the most obvious being sexual stimulation. The opposite of sexual stimulation is, apparently, not having sexual stimulation. However, we can't really pursue the lack of sexual stimulation, because that's no different than abstaining via pure willpower. So what do we do?
“Don't kill desire, overcome desire with desire.”
Some people have tried to attach negative consequences to viewing pornography. I know people that will punch their legs, or pay $20 to someone, or any number of other punishments for when they look at pornography . The problem is that, sexual stimulation is a good thing in the right context. Do you really want to attach a negative response to something good? Imagine that this form of conditioning goes on for several years, to the point where it successfully causes you to stop looking at pornography. What happens when you get married, when sexual stimulation is not only allowed, but a blessing? Your first reaction to the sexual stimulation from your spouse, whether you want it to be or not, is most likely going to be some sort of revulsion. I don't know about you, but that is NOT what I want to happen on my wedding night.
I have found that, for a lot of people, the reason why they look at pornography, beyond the sexual stimulation, is a deep desire to be known. They desire intimacy and a sense of importance. While pornography doesn't provide those things exactly, it does provide an extremely potent feeling that can drown out those other desires.
I have also found that, personally, God meets all of those deeper desires. He gives me the opportunity to know and be known, the chance to know someone at an intimate level, and the chance to be a part of something significant. So I choose to combat my unwanted desire for pornography with the deeper desire for God. I'm not going to lie. It's not easy. Just like with those vegetables, I don't always want to spend time reading my Bible or praying or going to church. But I choose to do them. When I choose to do them consistently, I find that my desire for those things grow. However, when I don't, I find that other, weaker desires have the chance to take root in my life again.
TL;DR
Negative desires can't be overcome permanently through pure willpower. In order to permanently remove negative desires, they need to be replaced with positive desires. At first those positive desires won't be strong desires, but as we choose to intentionally pursue them, our desire for them will grow. Don't kill desire, overcome desire with desire.
Your Turn:
Well, you've reached the end of my mini-series. What did you think? Am I on track or totally off-base? I would love it if you left a comment and let me know what you think.
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